The Last Unicorn: Brought to you by IceBreakers

When I was in the checkout line and couldn't find the type of mint I usually get, my eyes settled on this robin's-egg blue tin with a chipper stick-figure man raising his arms triumphantly, surrounded by fresh, moist mint leaves. "IceBreakers Energy," it read. "Peppermint Mints with caffeine."

Now, if there are two things that are A-OK in my book, they are mints and caffeine. As a matter of fact, if I were to make a fairly comprehensive list of things I like, mints and caffeine would be on there somewhere. Not at the top, which would be reserved for stuff like Chekhov, Gonzo journalism, Taco Bell, drawing time, acting, and stories about Beatles songs, but nestled in the middle among Ric Flair, vitamins, and Papers I Wrote in High School But I Still Think They're Pretty Good, At Least For High School.

And "Peppermint Mints"! Repetition is way cute, guys. Not since "The Chippiest Chips Around" has there been a hotter slogan. Those pictures of kittens with those poorly-spelled Net-speak captions don't stand a chance with a market like this. Needless to say, I bought a tin immediately, as delighted as the minty stick man with my daydreams of the even later nights I can stay up reading or drinking with a palate more pleasing to the nose and tongue.

I checked the side after downing a few, to see how long I'd have to wait before maybe tossing on my shoes and going for a run. "One serving (3 mints) contains about as much caffeine (30 mg) as one half-cup of coffee," it read.

One half-cup. When I worked at the hotel, I once put away an entire press pot of coffee. I like toting quadruple-shot espresso drinks before important rehearsals or performances. This half-cup equivalent in breath-freshener form wasn't going to do the trick. The stick man smirked. I sighed in defeat. The only thing they could probably do is keep my heart beating if I were inches away from death.

The thought made my heart jump, as if these were really the mints I'd believed them to be, but in fact it was brought on a more shocking revelation. The only other item that can do that is none other than unicorn's blood.* My stomach twisted. Without even realizing it, I'd condemned myself to a cursed life. It didn't stop me from eating the rest of them, but I sure wasn't going running anytime that day.

No wonder they were so expensive.




*Well, maybe also an AED machine, but you don't see anyone packing those into any peppermint pellets. Think of the lawsuits.