I wish I were Paris Hilton's lawyer

When I'm bombarded with enough repetitive, Captain-Obvious annoyance, I can be driven to play devil's advocate to almost any issue. With that in mind, let me be the first to say that I really, really don't mind Paris Hilton. I think she's amusing. No, she's not the brightest shirt on the rack, but sometimes one's entertainment value lies in asinine comments and not the ability to save a power plant from a meltdown. This, I'm sure, is why The Simpsons was so popular.

Or you could say that she is a waste of space/resources/oxygen/time and she does nothing but talk on her cell phone and shop. First of all, I can't begin to name all the perfectly nice people I know who spend hours at a time every day sitting on their asses to watch television or play video games. Secondly, if I could figure out how to market my name and image in such a way to profit from a ghostwritten book, poorly-acted bit parts in forgettable movies, and an overly-engineered self-titled CD (and, come to think of it, a fragrance as well), I would. That takes smarts and strategy. Sure, I'd rather be famous for curing cancer, but you work with what you have and what you want to do with your time. And say what you want about her behavior; whether she's a spoiled brat or sweet and friendly, the opinions are split down the middle, but if you grew up in that environment with that amount of money, you would act the exact same way. Yes, you would. Don't kid yourself.

Concerning her trying to weasel out of her jail sentence, I have but this to say: Do you want to go to jail? No, I didn't think so. How about for 45 days? Didn't think so. Or 23--would you like to spend three weeks away from your family, friends, home, privacy, freedom, and Internet in a bare room with a bed and toilet? Yeah--didn't think so. And you don't have to feel shallow or ignoble, because no one actually wants to go to jail. It's boring and the food sucks. Honestly, you can't blame a girl for trying.

This is not, by the way, condoing what she did. Driving under the influence is a horrible, dangerous, stupid thing to do and is never excusable under any circumstances. Especially when you're on probation from doing it once already, and most especially when you're loaded enough (in more ways than one) to have access to a chauffer. I also applaud the judge for sticking to his guns and making her go back to jail instead of letting her stay on house arrest. The law is the law, even when the law is something as ridiculous as giving inmates time off for every day they serve.

To her credit, she's not going to appeal the case any further, and yes, she probably should have just done the time and kept her mouth shut. Lil' Kim was sentenced ten months for perjury last year, took it like a woman, and recorded a successful album when she got out. I think we can all learn a little something from Lil' Kim.

Instead of being angry over Paris getting off easier, people should divert their ire to the flaws in the California jail and legal system for allowing her to do so, because the next time they get nailed for a stupid mistake, they're going to try to get away from it with the smallest amount of punishment or ramification. Even if they suck it up and take it, they may feel bad for having done it, but there's still the part of them that's going to wish they'd gotten away with it. I can say with some confidence that Paris doesn't want to go to jail any more than anyone else, so she's trying to evade responsibility just as much as every other red-blooded American would, too.